BUTT FIRST!

WE’VE GOT THE POWAH

This week, it finally happened.

After months of sourcing electrical components and learning how to wire them together without killing anybody, WE HAVE A WORKING POWER SYSTEM FOR OUR CAMPER TRAILER.

See, as soon as possible, we are going on the road. FULL TIME on the road. With a family of 5, two dogs, and a snail.

And, we work on the internet. So for many reasons, electricity is pretty crucial.

Turns out there’s a lot of highly confusing shit in the world of electrical wiring. Things that don’t make sense, parts that look like they should be compatible and absolutely aren’t, and the price of being wrong could be turning your tiny home on wheels into a fiery ball of death.

Well, we now have a rooftop full of solar panels. Those solar panels elegantly feed into a cabinet loaded with boxes I barely understand that Max (husband) lovingly put together. Things like adapters and smart shunts and terminals and all sorts of hoozie-whatsits.

But the most wonderful thing is that now, as we are hitting 96 degree summer days, that little camper has a working AC unit powered by the sun. With that thing running, stepping into that camper feels like stepping into an icy shopping mall. Fucking fantastic.

AND NOW!

SONGS ROUNDUP

Social media sites are notorious for only selectively showing you posts by the people you follow, so for you dear subscriber, I like to gather up all the week’s posts for you in one easy place. Here you go!

“Footloose” parody— a song about loose women and the porno life

“Hallelujah” parody — a song about your friendly neighborhood hooker

“I Want it That Way” parody — a song to send to your gay buddies

“Ring of Fire” parody — my ‘whoops wrong hole’ classic

“John Brown’s Body” parody — a song about gloryholes. Glory Glory hole-elujah!

Anyway, that’s all for now. I will write again next week with songs, stories, and updates.

But it’s not over for paid subscribers! Below the fold, you guys are going to get quite the treat. Sometimes, a song is so ripe for parody that I come up with MANY different versions. Well, you will see an 80s classic where I got six.

See you down below!

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BUTT FIRST!

RHYME SCHEME HERO

I was tidying up in the kitchen when my husband, Max, huffed into the house from outside.

“I’m missing a socket. Do you know where it is?”

Max’s tool organization is a meticulous clusterfuck of ‘I’ll put it down wherever I want, and don’t move it, or I won’t remember where I put it.’ So any cleanup on my part inevitably yields disaster. So, I’ve stopped making any attempt to tidy his tools.

“I had a certain socket for my socket wrench just a couple days ago. Have you seen it?”

I kept wiping down the bowl I was cleaning, and replied with a grin—

“So you say you need a socket. Did you put it in your pocket?” His eyes roll. “Did you strap it to a rocket?”

This man had just been eyeballs deep in a complicated electrical system and definitely did NOT need me being a goober. He has been working long, tiring days for weeks now preparing our family’s camper for all of us to move in and spend at least a year living full time on the road. This work is intricate and important. But he has a rhyme-loving nutball for a wife, so that’s exactly what he got. He heaved a sigh, and moved on to search in other spots.

But imagine my delight when, a few minutes later, I heard a soft “…oh no.”

And Max emerged, sheepish and bracing, holding the socket over the breast of his bibbed overalls.

It. Was. In. His. POCKET.

…I will be riding this high for a year.

AND NOW!

SONGS ROUNDUP

Social media sites are notorious for only selectively showing you posts by the people you follow, so for you dear subscriber, I like to gather up all the week’s posts for you in one easy place. Here you go!

“I’ve Been Workin’ on the Railroad” parody: a song to send to a friend about how their mother is a whore.

“Man of Constant Sorrow” parody: a song about the drunk who’s definitely gonna quit… tomorrow.

“Out of my Head” parody: tales from your local glory hole.

“Folsom Prison Blues” parody: about running train on a brokenhearted man’s girlfriend.

“Thank God I’m a Country Boy” parody: for the woman who’s just ‘sassy’ and all her exes are assholes.

Anyway, that’s all for now. I will write again next week with songs, stories, and updates.

But it’s not over for paid subscribers! Below the fold, you guys are going to get something really special. I’ve been working both on a new song, AND a new style of sharing my songs. You get to see the first glimpses down below in a nice long teaser! This bastardization of an 80s hit will be in your head all week.

See you down below!

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BUTT FIRST!

PARENTING HACKS FROM A KNOW-NOTHING LOW LIFE

Things in my household go better the more I treat my children like animals.

For instance: you know how when you have a cat, you can get them the world’s best scratching post, but all they care about is the box?

Same with my kids. When I’m not peddling parody filth online, I am a discount-shopping mom of 3 driving a nondescript SUV and looking vaguely like a Mennonite. My 4 and 2 year old REJOICE every week when we get a new crop of carry-out boxes from Costco. They fight over them. They make them into pretend bedrooms and wear them as hats and set up potluck parties on top of them. Meanwhile, the beautiful wooden Montessori toys I bought as an ambitious new mom sit languishing in the garage.

I feel kind of weird about it. The neighbor girl who babysits might think I neglect my kids. But whatever, I’m just leaning into it. These days, trash = toys. And they love it.

AND NOW!

SONGS ROUNDUP

Social media sites are notorious for only selectively showing you posts by the people you follow, so as a little service for you, I like to gather up all the week’s posts for you in one easy place. Here you go!

“In the Summertime” parody

“Take Me Home, Country Roads” parody

“Danny’s Song” parody

“On The Road Again” parody

“You Are My Sunshine” parody

“Sound of Silence” parody

“Loch Lomond” parody

Anyway, that’s all for now. I will write again next week with songs, stories, and updates.

But it’s not over for paid subscribers! Below the fold, you guys are going to get a brand new song that I think might do REALLY well when I share it out publicly. This is a parody of a 2010s megahit, updated for where we’re all at in our new phases of life.

See you down below!

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BUTT FIRST!

TUNIC WEIRDNESS

I’m about to stuff the entire family into a camper and hit the road for a year-long, gloriously slow migration to Austin, Texas.

Why Austin? Because I’m pretty sure it has the highest per-capita population of certified weirdos on the continent, and my family is a walking contradiction factory.

In real life I’m aggressively private. On the internet I’m low-key famous for my filthy parody songs. I still wash our clothes by hand like a 19th-century peasant, yet I’ll drop $800 on the newest tech gadget before my coffee gets cold. I draft and sew every stitch of the kids’ clothes from scratch… while ordering marine designed solar power components on two-day shipping.

Oh, and it’s stupidly easy to find my tits online, but if you saw me at the grocery store you’d swear I escaped from a Mennonite village—knee-length natural-fiber dresses, braids, head covering, the whole modesty starter pack. My hair is literally butt-length and I’ve started protecting it like it’s a national treasure.

We love Idaho, but my “mostly closeted weirdness” and parody song notoriety has cost us friends and mom groups. The kids have already had to say goodbye to playmates they really liked.

Austin, though? Musicians, comedians, and beautiful freaks from every background imaginable. Feels like the kind of place where nobody blinks if your mom looks like Laura Ingalls Wilder but her search history is pure chaos.

Who knows if it’ll work. But life’s too short to be afraid of being a total fucking nutjob.

And now!

SONGS ROUNDUP

Since algorithms are dicks and don’t always show you the posts of the people you follow, here is this week of releases.

“Time of your life” parody

“Wellerman” parody

“Big rock Candy mountain” parody

“America the beautiful” parody

“All Star” parody

“Use somebody” parody

“I’ve Just Seen a Face” parody

That’s all for now if you’re a free subscriber.

BUT, if you are a paid subscriber, you get a really special treat this week. Normally I have something extra to share with you, but this week, you get TWO.

I have two sets of lyrics for the same song and I am seeking your help to choose which version to pursue! If you were alive in the 90s you FOR SURE know the original and I think you’ll get a big kick out of my ideas.

See you down below!

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BUTT FIRST!

I HOPE I’M NOT AS DUMB AS I THINK THEY ARE

While meeting the new man who is banging my mom, I learned of a family led by parents even farther along the retard scale than I am. Shocking!

My dad died just over two years ago, after decades of happy marriage and raising four kids with my mom. He gave my her his blessing to fall in love again, and boy, she went for it. Signed herself up for multiple dating sites and got on the prowl.

Well, she and her new serious ‘sweetie’ passed through my city, so we all met up for a pizza dinner. Max (husband) insisted on paying— I think his balls would have actually crawled up inside his body if he let the man plundering my moms snoozle hoozer buy him and his kids pizza.

The plunderer… is actually a pretty good guy. It’s obviously weird for me. But it turns out there is an unexpected overlap between us and one of his grown kids and her family. They are about to do the same thing as me and Max, with the same projected timeline— kind of. HUGE emphasis on ‘kind of.’

The thing is road life.

We are making final preparations to move into a 20’ camper and 16 passenger van and live on the road full time with our 3 kids (oldest is 4.5), 2 dogs, and pet snail. We’ve lived out of two different vans before and have been preparing for over a year.

She and her husband bought a 50 year old Volkswagen camper van with a cracked engine block to live with their three kids (oldest is 11). They have never done this before and have been preparing not at all.

Everyone on this email list— please say a collective prayer for this family. They don’t have answers for even the most basic questions, like how is everyone going to poop. They claim they are leaving June 1st which is absolutely not happening. If they do there is a 100% chance of divorce due to extreme stress.

To be fair, we were also planning to leave June 1st and that is also absolutely not happening.

It’s fine, we are retarded, we are figuring it out.

And now!

SONGS ROUNDUP

Since algorithms are dicks and don’t always show you the posts of the people you follow, here is this week of releases.

“Blowing in the Wind” parody

“5 Little Ducks” parody

“Hurt” parody

“Bohemian Rhapsody” parody

“I’m Blue” parody

“Danger Zone” parody

“I walk the Line” parody

That’s all for now if you’re a free subscriber.

BUT, if you are a paid subscriber, you get a bonus treat down below. I’ve got a special song treat that my male audience will for sure relate to.

See you down below!

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BUTT FIRST!

THE GHOST OF PROJECTS PAST

As I’m knee-deep in dust bunnies and half-packed moving boxes, two ghostly white eyes lock onto mine from a disembodied puppet head crammed in a cardboard box like a serial-killer prop. This is not a horror story.

Those eyes belong to the 85%-finished character for mine and my husband Max’s project, CopsVSWhores. It’s a movie already, and soon to be much more— a full-on songs-and-stories comedy thing we’ve been quietly building in the background, not quite ready to launch in full. Months ago I cheerfully volunteered to finish a full foam-bodied, Muppet-style puppet “as soon as possible” so Max would have a deadpan and judgmental sidekick for the promo stuff.

And here he sits. Just a head. Judging me.

It’s easy to look at that box and see failure: yet another half-done project, yet another burst of hubris from the woman who once believed she could knock out a professional-grade puppet between diaper changes. But I’m choosing to see it differently. That creepy little foam head isn’t a monument to unfinished business. It’s proof I’m adaptable as hell.

We’re about to ditch this rental and live on the road for a year—three young kids, two dogs, and one snail who, let’s be honest, is the most low-maintenance member of the family. The plan is simple: slash our bills to nothing and use the freedom to push CopsVSWhores out into the world while we drive around like a very loud, very sticky ragtag band.

Buy "Cops VS Whores Vol. 1" the Movie

So instead of finishing the puppet, I’ve spent the last few months sewing entire wardrobes for rapidly growing children, baking bread and cooking every meal from scratch so we don’t bankrupt ourselves on takeout, and quietly chipping away at a couple of exciting new surprise collabs in the making. The puppet still stares at me every time I walk past, unblinking, probably wondering why Mom can’t find twenty minutes to sew him a torso when she just finished matching outfits for tiny toddlers and a fresh batch of sourdough.

I don’t have the heart to throw him away. And honestly? I still think I’ll finish him before we hit the road. For now he just sits there in his box, silently roasting me with those blank white eyes while I pack the last of the chaos.

He’s really good at the disapproving part already.

And now!

SONGS ROUNDUP

Since algorithms are dicks and don’t always show you the posts of the people you follow, here is this week of releases.

“Lookin Out My Backdoor” parody

“Loch Lomond” parody

“The Big Rock Candy Mountain” parody

“I’ve Been Workin on the Railroad” parody

“Wonderwall” parody

“I Stubbed My Toe” original

“How You Remind Me” parody

That’s all for now if you’re a free subscriber.

BUT, if you are a paid subscriber, you get a bonus treat down below. That surprise collab I was teasing in the first story? I’m going to give you a tantalizing preview!

See you down below!

Read more

BUTT FIRST!

THE GUINEA PIG OF SADNESS: A TALE FROM ROAD-LIFE PAST

Sometimes, you look at a child and realize “you’re DEFINITELY going to grow up to be an asshole.”

Not that it’s their fault— it’s just a fact of nature.

I’ve seen this firsthand many times, but I was thinking of one in particular today. My family and I are preparing to embark on a year of full-time life on the road, but this is not my first rodeo. (Road-eo. Har har.) Back in 2013-2015 Max (husband) and I lived out of two different vans and saw a massive chunk of America. As we roved from state to state we stayed with random fans who reached out and offered couches, driveways, trailer floors, and the occasional actual bed for our crashing needs.

These people were extremely kind, but it also gave us a window into a lot of people’s lives. The sort of people who would offer two random hippie-ish internet degenerates a warm place to stay. Lots of frozen food dinners, lots of cigarettes, lots of big gulps, lots of loneliness and heartache and Bacardi Limon.

One was a man, let’s call him Dan, who was very friendly and normal on the internet, but as we entered his home, it became very clear that he was deep in a life of crime. Drugs for sure, maybe more. Dan had a friend over who very cavalierly told Max and I a few minutes after meeting us about how he had killed a man. A kid-diddler, but still. Bringing up murder on a first meeting is a bold move.

Dan had a son. An achingly sweet little boy who loved his guinea pig named Honey. One night Dan insisted on taking us out for a nice Italian dinner, and we ate fried veal over noodles like it was a gift from God himself. Then we went back to his apartment and Dan casually played the most gory horror movie I’ve ever seen while his little boy played in the corner with that little guinea pig. I viscerally remember a scene of a woman being forced to drink blended up human eyeballs. This boy must have been five or six years old.

It was when this boy’s father began threatening the guinea pig’s life in retaliation for the boy’s minor misbehavior that it dawned on me— this beautiful little child doesn’t stand a chance. He is going to grow up to be some kind of asshole.

By now, that little kid is probably almost grown. I hope I’m wrong.

(I’m probably not.)

And now!

SONGS ROUNDUP

Since algorithms are dicks and don’t always show you the posts of the people you follow, here is this week of releases.

“Danny Boy” parody

“We’re Gonna Be Friends” parody

“Ring of Fire” parody

“You Are My Sunshine” parody

“Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” parody

“Margaritaville” parody

“Skip to my Lou” parody

That’s all for now if you’re a free subscriber.

BUT, if you are a paid subscriber, you get a bonus treat down below. I’ve been working on a parody of “Iris” by The Goo Goo Dolls and my rhymes are PRISTINE. For now, only paid subscribers get to see it.

See you down below!

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BUTT FIRST!

A HYBRID WOMAN

I realized today that I, Harper the Fox, live at the exact intersection between a rural 1940s housewife and an unrepentant e-girl.

The internet is littered with my saucy material, from my filthy folk tunes to every square inch of my weird little body. But these days, my home life is pretty different than you might expect.

I homeschool my kids. I do laundry by hand, using a basin and washboard and hanging our clothes to dry on a line. I wash all our dishes by hand. I am sewing complete wardrobes for my kids. Fuck guys, I’m learning DARNING. Has there ever been a more grandmotherly thing than darning?

So by golly, just look at my tits and call me Edna.

And now!

SONGS ROUNDUP

This week of releases has been heavy on original songs. Take a listen to anything you missed!

“Sound of Silence” parody

“You Were Always On my Mind” parody

“Thank God I’m a Country Boy” parody

“Blanket Stealing Bitch” original

“Starfish” an original song

“Buffet Face” an original song

“Gay Retard” an original song

That’s all for now if you’re a free subscriber.

BUT, if you are a paid subscriber, you get a bonus treat down below. Something that struck me with such inspiration I had to step out of my car and record the idea in the middle of a Costco parking lot.

See you down below!

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BUTT FIRST!

My family and I are still busily readying ourselves for a year of life on the road, traveling the country in a 20’ camping trailer rig.

Building out the interior, Max (husband) noticed a couple leaks that need addressing while we got a heavy rain. And then, it just kept raining. So the leaks can’t get fixed… because it’s raining. So we’ve been in kind of a holding pattern there.

Aside from that though, things are humming along. We have acquired poop buckets and I am making homemade clothing like a fiend.

TIME FOR THE SONGS ROUNDUP

Since most social media sites are weird and hide the videos of people you follow, I’ve gathered for your convenience all of my song releases from the last week. Enjoy!

“Dust In the Wind” parody

“Folsom Prison Blues” parody

“Wagon Wheel” parody

“Shut Up and Dance” parody

“Hallelujah” parody

“Tiny Dancer” parody

“I Want it That Way” parody

Thank you for subscribing here! I will keep you posted on all the latest.

As a special extra just for paid subscribers, I have a new song in a brand new style waiting for you below the fold!

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BUTT FIRST!

I have activated a skill which my ancestors would be horrified to learn was dormant in me until now. I have made clothes for my family!

…well, I have made one pair of pants. I have made… clothe?

Of the 12 pieces I intend to make, this first one actually went better than expected. I only did a couple utterly dumb things and the finished product is a very cute pair of linen pants for my two year old girl.

AND NOW—

IDIOCY BRINGS VICTORY

This week, I came across a Marc Andreesen interview where he talks about a certain kind of “maxing.” Like how kids these days talk about “looksmaxing” and such. I’m not sure I can say his word on here so lets just call it “Idiot Maxing.”

The basic premise is that you let yourself be too dumb to overthink. You don’t get hung up in analysis or prudence. It’s just… go do the thing.

That’s really resonated with my as I prepare to live in an RV with my family of 5 and two dogs. On the flexible and unpredictable wages of an online entertainer.

Maybe what I’m doing will seem, in hindsight, like risk-tolerant brilliance of the highest degree. Maybe we will find ourselves basking in flourishing success as a direct result of this adventure and the connections we make along the way.

Or maybe we will be the idiots who shoved our beautiful children into a trailer and pooped in buckets for a year.

But you know what? lets just not overthink it. I think most people would call me an idiot for most of the things I’ve done in my adult life. But I really like my life, so it’s almost time to DO THIS THANG.

SONGS ROUNDUP

Social media sites often actually downrank the videos of people you follow after you follow them— it’s weird. So in case you’re missing them, here are my song releases from the last week!

“HERE COMES YOUR MAN” parody

“KRYPTONITE” parody

“ALL THE SMALL THINGS” parody

“ON THE ROAD AGAIN” parody

“YOLO” original song

“O SUSANNA” parody

“STAND BY ME” parody

THAT’S ALL FOLKS… UNLESS YOU SUBSCRIBE!

Thanks for reading, friend. If you’re a free subscriber, this is where I leave you. If you’re a paid subscriber, however, you have a special treat waiting for you below the fold! A teaser of a potential duet in progress.

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BUTT FIRST!

I know without a doubt that I’m getting OLD. This morning, I injured myself because I looked at my dog wrong. That’s right. I twisted my head just a little too fast and too far and now I feel like I should be wearing Life Alert and concerned about breaking a hip.

AND NOW!

OLD APPLIANCES AND NEW FRIENDS

Providence reigned for my family this week!

Prepping our camper for our year of living on the road and making connections in Austin, Texas has meant a lot of demolition. And that comes with a bunch of appliances that are a BIG OLD PAIN IN THE ASS to bring to the dump, but are also of zero use to us.

So what’s the answer? Pop em on marketplace for free, and hope that someone else hauls them off!

Well, the old AC unit was shockingly popular. I must have gotten 40 inquiries on the thing. And of that random list, I just sort of scrolled to a name and went… mmk THAT GUY.

Almost immediately he started pissing me off. He was super late for the pickup time we had set, and as soon as I messaged the next person in line to come get it, he let me know he was on his way. Har har.

Then when he arrived, he started chatting with my neighbor while blocking my driveway. And he wasn’t sure if he’d take the unit. Annoyance escalating.

But, you know what? It turns out this guy lived in Austin for DECADES. He and Max (husband) hit it off, and he’s going to put us in touch with his people there. He knows everybody, especially business owners. He’s also into a lot of the same stuff we are into.

And he took the AC unit.

So, it’s reminding me to trust. An interaction I expected to be mostly irritating turned into our first real connection to plug us into a brand new community.

SHIT HANDS

I realized with surprise this week that I have two different songs where the exact phrase “poop on my hands” appears in the chorus. Here they are, because who says the song of the week has to be just one song?

That’s all for now. I will write again next week with songs, stories, and updates on this big huge adventure.

Paid subscribers below the fold are going to get to hear a brand new song that takes on the Pokemon theme. This… might offend some people.

See you down below!

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BUTT FIRST!

The other day, my incredibly sweet and earnest little four year old boy came to ask me a simple question, with the exact tone of someone asking me to pass the butter– “where is the fucking headlamp?”

My dear husband Max and I can be a little gruff sometimes when things aren’t where we expect. And my boy clearly doesn’t understand that a misplaced object doesn’t have to be the “fucking XYZ” thing.

Whoops.

AND NOW!

I AM STUCK IN AN AVALANCHE MADE OF PAPER, PLEASE SEND HELP

The time has come. We are preparing to hit the road on June 1st, embarking on our cross country adventure in a 20’ box, leaving most of our possessions to scatter to the wind. Except our broken fiddle. Max is going to spend the next decade fixing it. Not successfully. Just continuously.

And now, I am sifting through the paper. The little things.

Some of it just goes into the trash by the pound, without a second thought.

When I actually look, there are layers.

Receipts—lots of receipts—kept by a younger version of me who believed someday I’d have it all together.

A printer manual for a printer I never owned.

The EIN documents for a failed business that cost me a friendship.

A fun-sized KitKat. Untouched. Not for long.

Photos from a wedding of someone who no longer speaks to me—we look happy though.

A micro USB cable.

Another micro USB cable.

A third, emotionally supportive micro USB cable.

A drawing of a psychotic goat by a high school friend.

There are moments where I want to keep everything, maybe even laminate it. Submit it to find a place of honor in the museum of Me, a place which lovingly catalogues all the little moments that have brought me here, arranged chronologically, mislabeled, and occasionally sticky.

Other times, I seriously consider taking a blowtorch to every unopened box and bag, turning the whole thing into a small, controlled house fire and calling it closure.

But thank goodness, I don’t have that much time to think about it. Because every time I start to dig through, I have about 45 minutes before someone needs their butt wiped.

It’s all ephemera anyway. I’ll be worm food, and the worms will inherit the micro USB cables.

SONG OF THE WEEK: “Flowers / Showers”

Weird Al made a career out of pointing out what’s funny about fatties. I don’t think that’s super popular anymore, but you know what? There’s still some funny territory to explore here.

That’s all for now. I will write again next week with songs, stories, and updates on this big huge adventure.

Paid subscribers below the fold are going to get to hear a brand new song snippet which has ruined the 90s for me and has been in my head for four days straight.

See you down below!

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BUTT FIRST!

This last week, my collaborator and husband Max turned 41! I remember a time when I thought 41 was ollllld, but he still looks fine as hell to me. Probably because I’m becoming old and decrepit right along with him.

To celebrate, we got the VERY RARE treat of take-out. Seriously, we buy food outside the house maybe six times a year.

And guess what? Those fucking overpriced cheeseburgers gave us all food poisoning. So, happy birthday my love… followed by two days of horror.

Although, I do have another theory.

My 2 year old girl is beautiful, sweet, hilarious… and a little bit devilish. And she’s the ONLY ONE who had zero symptoms. So maybe SHE poisoned us???

I’ll sleep with one eye open.

AND NOW!

“Can I have more info about this ‘life on the road’ thing you keep talking about?”

We are planning to leave JUNE FIRST to start our epic road-life adventure. There are a lot of reasons we are moving our three small children, two dogs, a snail, and ourselves into a 20 ft trailer / camping rig.

One reason is to make our way to Austin, and network with funny people. Yuk yuk. Another is to save our pennies so that we can buy a home without selling a kidney.

A third and perhaps unexpected reason? Comfort.

Comfort, with 5 humans and 3 animals in a 20 ft trailer? Why yes. That’s the idea.

Max and I have lived on the road before, and met people from all walks of life. And we’ve met people who lived mobile. You know what they do? GET THE FUCK OUTSIDE. Those people spent nearly every waking hour outside and exploring. More than anyone else, THOSE were the people who could be comfortable anywhere. Chatting for hours in a deep squat by a river, pooping in a hole, sleeping on bare carpet. Oddly enough, some of the places they seemed LEAST comfortable were plopped on a squishy couch watching trashy TV shows.

That’s the kind of comfort and confidence I hope my kids develop as they age. Competence, and the ability to be at peace in your own company.

SONG OF THE WEEK

This song is the opposite of how my family’s week has been, but hey, still worth sharing! Y’all are sick and keep giving views to my songs about poop, so I’ll just keep giving the public what they want.

That’s all for now. I will write again next week with songs, stories, and updates on this big huge adventure.

Paid subscribers below the fold are going to get to hear a brand new song that parodies a classic from the “O Brother Where Art Thou” soundtrack.

See you down below!

Read more

BUTT FIRST!

I was tickled this week when I got an Instagram DM sharing a funny reel, saying “hey, I think you’ll love this!”

And guess what. I did. It was a reel my husband posted on his completely separate account. I am cosmically connected to that beautiful weirdo.

This is the song, btw:

AND NOW!

A MUSICALLY ORIENTED STITCHIN BITCH

Slowly but surely I am becoming a perverse Maria VonTrapp (The Sound of Music, anyone?)

As we prepare to shed our stuff and live VERY simply pursuing our dreams on the road (starting June 1st!), a lot of things are changing.

Like, I’m going to take my minimal and half-baked sewing skills and craft a complete linen-based wardrobe for my 2 and 4 year old. I’m not going to use curtains to do it but I genuinely considered it.

We are also radically reducing ‘entertainment’ possessions, winnowing it down to tech essentials for work, a small collection of favorite toys for the kids, and musical instruments. Today my son took his ukulele into our backyard, gave his little sister an egg shaker, and declared that they were starting a band. They both seemed pretty stoked about it.

As a side note, thinking about “The Sound of Music” has put a little parody seed in my noggin, set to the tune of “Do, a Deer”

…That’s all I’ve got. Genius doesn’t always come complete.

SONG OF THE WEEK

In honor of all the St. Paddy’s hangovers, allow me to share a song from the archives that puts a vile twist on an Irish classic. Might bring a tear to your eye.

That’s all for now. I will write again next week with songs, stories, and updates on this big huge adventure.

Paid subscribers below the fold are going to get to hear a recording of a parody to a song that didn’t get un-stuck from all our heads for about a year straight in 1997. Wanna guess what it is?

See you down below!

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BUTT FIRST!

Something fun happened a few weeks ago– I got a legit offer to play a parody song set at a kinky concert gathering. Paid travel and everything, and it would have been generous. Unfortunately, I had to decline– my boobs are on-call for a baby 24-7, and I don’t think he would like that scene very much. But it was extremely cool to get a real offer for a paid gig like that.

AND NOW!

NO SHITS GIVEN ABOUT SHITTING NORMS

We are preparing to move our entire family into a 20ft camping trailer rig in the next few months to seek our fortunes and travel the nation.

To warm up to the big change, we have started doing a bunch of really fucking weird things in our house.

One of them is that we don’t use any of our lights anymore. We have a few camping headlamps and some tall lanterns. When it gets dark, we use those exclusively. It now feels actively weird for me to reach for a light switch, and our kids have made the switch too.

Cue the moment when my 4 year old son heads off to the bathroom with his 13 year old helper / babysitter in tow, desperately trying to understand why he is insisting on peeing using only a head lamp for light. Maybe I should have given her a heads up.

CONTRARY TO POPULAR STEREOTYPING…

Despite the insanity of the songs I write, people tend to assume autobiography in the lyrics. Like I am the stripper I’m singing about, or that I personally shit my brains out after a misguided Taco Bell adventure. I will neither confirm nor deny the veracity of that.

This is a recent release though where I feel like I need to be clear– NOT autobiography. It’s called “Daddy’s Off The Wagon.”

My dad was the gentlest soul in the world, never drank a drop of alcohol as long as I knew him, and was known in the local school district for being the fun and goofy substitute teacher who would always start classes with a series of magic tricks. Love ya, Pa– god rest your silly, lovable soul.

That’s all for now. I will write again next week with songs, stories, and updates on this big huge adventure.

Paid subscribers below the fold are going to get an expanded and updated version of one of my favorite parodies so far, to the tune of “I Want it That Way.” I’ve really, really improved the lyrics here.

See you down below!

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BUTT FIRST!

This week I wrote a parody that I will every so humbly say is a masterful piece of genius rivaling the great poetic works of history.

The song is called “Gooner’s Paradise” and is a fucking EXACT parody of “Gangstas Paradise.” It turns out that writing rap is really fucking hard and I’ve never given it its due. But the rhythm involved, the meter, the placement of rhymes and stressed/unstressed syllables is NUTS. To have a song be so variable and also feel like it flows is a huge achievement.

It took me a long time but I wrote a version that is a one-to-one replica of the original, accounting for meter, rhythm, rhyme placement, and syllabic stresses while being on a completely different subject.

Eat it, Weird Al. I love “Amish Paradise” but lyrically, you have been smoked.

Later in this email you’ll be able to watch Max (husband) perform a truncated version, but the full audio is right here:

GOONER’S PARADISE

AND NOW!

THE CIRCLE OF DIRTY GARAGE LIFE

A natural life cycle has concluded this week. A very good bed has made its return home, like a salmon escaping the jaws of a hungry bear back to its sweet riverbed of origin.

As we prepare to shove our entire family into a camping rig and live on the road, we are shedding ever more pieces of our suburban lives. But this week we let go of a piece that’s been with us ever since Max and I were dirty garage people.

Max and I have lived in a number of garages, as is common for degenerate fuckups. Well, as we made our most recent (8-ish years ago) garage into a cozy little home, we treated ourselves to a real mattress. Purchased new– not just yoinked from someone ditching their old one.

We bought it from a mattress store that I am certain is a money laundering operation, since I have never seen another single soul shopping there and it has been in business at least a decade.

The queen sized and relatively cheap bed was the first place we snuggled our (now very old) hound dog, it has moved into two different houses with us, it is the bed my father slept in on his last visit to Idaho before he died, and has been my son and daughter’s favorite jumping place.

Now, it is back in that very same garage in which we lived before, when we were desperate enough to save money that we chose to live in a place with no shower to speak of and concrete floors. And it has a new owner– a dear friend who is entering the “save some fucking money, fuck it, I don’t need a real house” phase of life.

Goodbye, sweet bed.

GOONER’S PARADISE: PERFORMED!

Without further ado, here is Max playing the role of chronic masturbator with a truly unforgettable dance move flourish.

That’s all for now. I will write again next week with songs, stories, and updates on this big huge adventure.

Paid subscribers below the fold are going to get some behind the scenes info about a song that I have partially written that will NEVER be released, and the reasons why– particularly given current events.

See you down below!

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BUTT FIRST!

Saturday night, our family watched a fun UFC fight.

I pal around on Instagram with the fighter Sean Strickland, who was fighting the main event. He’s my favorite kind of lunatic—completely unfiltered, unhinged, and true to himself. He thinks my songs are hilarious, and we’ve exchanged friendly messages.

We watched him win in a flurry of fists and knees, then call out his next fight with the “Chechen whore,” Khamzat Chimaev.

DEGENERATES FOR THE WIN.

AND NOW!

A TALE OF CLASS AND TRASH

I was sitting in my car in an elegant black dress the last time lyrical inspiration struck to the tune of one of my favorite songs by The Killers. My infant son was wriggling happy in his car seat as I began to think through rhyme schemes, delicately balancing the focus needed to drive with the focus needed to write and memorize lyrics on the fly.

The punchline? I was dressed up on my way to meet a friend at her country club. This was one of my fancier outings in a long time, at a classy place. You know the country club is legit because there’s a street called “Plantation” leading up to it. And hoo boy do they have a fancy staircase.

So that’s how I ended up muttering lyrics about gay men’s antics to myself while carrying an infant across plush carpet this week.

The song is “Somebody Told Me.” I’m thinking next week paid subscribers will get to hear that one. This week, paid subs will get to hear me be a bassy-voiced Celine Dion.

PPs and Rickrolling

I’ve thought a LOT about what makes a good parody, and I’m always refining my thinking. I love this one, but I think it illustrates a Parody Principle (PP, lol) that I’ve recently come to.

If the song is already silly, or already a joke, it doesn’t make for a great parody. It feels similar to telling a joke twice, hoping to get a bigger laugh than the first time.

I recorded this one early last summer, while preparing for my maternity leave with lots of extra content. I truly enjoy it, but I’m getting better at predicting what will go viral and this one (as expected) did just fine, but nothing crazy.

That’s all for now. I will write again next week with songs, stories, and updates.

Paid subscribers below the fold are going to get to hear a beautiful and heartfelt way to tell a friend he’s gay, a la Celine Dion.

See you down below!

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BUTT FIRST!

PREPPING FOR ROAD LIFE TIDBIT

As we prepare to move our family of 5, two dogs and a snail into full-time camper life, everything about living has gotten LOWER.

We’ve been selling our furniture, so now? We eat on the floor, criss-cross on little butt pads. My kids’ changing table is on the ground, so I change butts in a deep squat. My camping mattress is on the floor. There’s a lot, lot, LOT of squatting. Maybe it will make my butt nicer. That would be cool.

AND NOW!

VERY ROMANTIC GAYNESS FOR YOUR ANUS

Picture this: it’s Valentine’s Day. A day to celebrate love and cherish those you hold dear. My sweet family is gathered together, sitting criss-cross-applesauce on the floor, eating a little scrambled egg breakfast. The kids are asking four thousand questions, the new baby is staring above him at his favorite command hook, kicking his tiny feet with glee. As we often do, Max (husband) and I are singing little snippets of songs running through our heads. When suddenly–

THE MUSE SPEAKS.

LIGHTNING CRASHES.

A single line of songwriting emerges by happenstance, and I must RUSH to my phone to write down the lyrics flowing into my mind. We try to speak in code in front of the children so we don’t poison their little minds too badly.

The song? Imagine bittersweet Celtic flute over a sparse, 90s era ballad. The biggest ship in the world is sinking as two young lovers cling to each other in icy water. Celine Dion opens her beautiful throat as we hear a heartfelt key change, and she belts with power–

This full parody came together faster than nearly anything else I’ve written before, and together Max and I created a full version.

Here is the video we posted. Pass it on.

And here is a link where you can find the full track, which starts with the lyric:

GET THE SONG on the CvW Substack

I WRITE DUMB THINGS

This week I shared a song I wrote months ago, but saved for my ‘maternity leave’ full of content made in advance.

This one is… dumb. So so dumb. But I truly love it, even if no one else will. It’s exactly my kind of goober-humor that rarely translates to a wider audience. Here is the first verse. The other two verses are about snails in love and then me roasting myself.

Cyndi HauperTheFox?

That’s all for now, UNLESS YOU’RE A PAID SUBSCRIBER, in which case you’re in for a big treat below the fold. This is another flash of inspiration style parody song that will likely not see the light of day on social media for a long time. Oddly enough, this one also has roots in a very classic film.

See you down below!

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BUTT FIRST!

Friday is my 5 year wedding anniversary. At some point during the day, I’m going to surprise my husband and children by waltzing out of the master bedroom wearing my full wedding gown and veil.

Wear it once and never again? Fuck that noise. What’s the point? MAYBE I could sell it, MAYBE someday my daughter will want it… but for now, why not play trains and teach my kids phonics while looking fancy as hell?

Because when we move into our road rig in a couple months to tour the country promoting our comedy projects, there certainly won’t be room for a gown.

AND NOW!

GOD LOVE YA, SCRAGGLE-STEVE

Speaking of hitting the road! One of our working ideas for our first campsite came from Steve (name changed), the scraggly old man who worked on our rented house recently with an obviously stoned-out-of-his-gourd younger man. When you think of Steve, imagine if a lovable but mangy street dog was walking on its hind legs and holding a hammer.

He told us, as the scent of cigarettes and booze wafted gently from him, that he owned a couple acres that we could camp on when the time came. And there were some obvious perks— little to no rent, close to our connections here in town, no length of stay obligations, and a way to launch ourselves into road life with minimal risk.

Well, we got a call from Scraggle-Steve a couple days ago. Great news, the spot is free!

…the spot on land he does NOT, in fact, own.

Land that other people own, expect several hundred dollars per month to live on, and also expect the occupant to work. Oh, and stay there long term.

Not exactly the deal we’d talked about.

So, scratch that. There’s a new plan in the works.

SONG OF THE WEEK

I’ve got a new track for you! This parody of “Wagon Wheel” is called “Copping Feels” and it drips with folksy warmth and degenerate sadness.

That’s all for now, if you are a free subscriber. I will write again next week with songs, stories, and updates on this big huge adventure as we prepare to hit the road.

Paid subscribers below the fold will get to see me tackle a whole new kind of music— watch and listen as I take on MAROON 5 in a brand new parody aimed at a classic male struggle.

See you down below!

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BUTT FIRST!

Do you know anyone in Austin? Because I don’t, and that’s where my family is headed this year to promote COPS VS WHORES. “COPS VS WHORES” is the outrageous comedy movie Max (husband) and I wrote and animated, and is the name of all of the social media channels where Max is front-man. We are going to shake hands with comics and make connections over coffee in the funniest place in America, and we will do it from a small camper rig that we are packing our entire family into. The unimportant ephemera of our suburban lives will fly into the wind behind us as we rumble down the road towards destiny!

…but seriously, if you know anybody cool out in Texas, let me know.

Watch the Preview and Movie

AND NOW!

TITTY NUZZLES AND LYRICAL PUZZLES

If you were to imagine me writing a song, I suspect it would look something like me surrounded by guitars and recording equipment, scribbling notes on sheets of paper strewn in front of me, hair frizzing to the sides in an artistically becoming flurry of activity.

These days, that is incredibly far from the truth.

90% of my songwriting happens at night when my two oldest kids are in bed, and my 2 month old has fallen asleep breastfeeding next to me. So I’m in my pajamas, sprawled across my bed, holding my phone above my face. My infant son has my boob against his cheek while he occasionally rips machine gun farts in his sleep. I have my volume down low and Spotify open, listening to the same lyric again and again, making sure that my crass re-write lines up EXACTLY. I sing lines to myself like “I jerk it to a Down’s syndrome baddie twerkin” and desperately hope that I’m not poisoning my son’s tiny brain.

For the record, paid subscribers get to hear the context surrounding that Down’s syndrome line at the end of this email. That is a real lyric appearing in a real song. Upgrade your subscription now to hear that!

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So, songwriting… not glamorous. But pretty sweet and strangely peaceful.

RUINING HEARTFELT SONGS

Just shared an older release that I really love. I think this one would make two great musical legends hate me simultaneously.

That’s all for now. I will write again next week with songs, stories, and updates on this big huge adventure!

Paid subscribers below the fold are going to get to hear a brand new song in progress that is a COMPLETELY new style for me. I’ll tell you, when I watched back through my recording, I made MYSELF laugh— and that doesn’t happen often.

See you down below!

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