A CHILD IS BORN

And Merry Fistmas to All!

This and more in this week’s edition of HarperTheFox news.

BUTT FIRST!

It is my honor and delight to announce the birth of my newest child, and to share with you the great tale!

AND NOW:

---

The Nights of Labor Vicious

‘Twas the 1st of December, at Costco I shopped
When suddenly to the floor I nearly dropped
I knew labor was starting and we all were prepared
For the child that surely soon would be there

My most recent labor was 2 hours long
After coming on swiftly and finishing strong
So surely, my body was ready to grow
With the wisdom of childbirth already known

Overnight the contractions all started to bloom
As I mooed like a cow, laboring in my room
Then into the next day and late afternoon
When finally, beneath the fullest of moons

We called up our friends and we called in our doula
Getting together the finest birth crew-la
But, oh! The great hubris of my birth expectations
Would not match the truth of my birth situation

For friends, let me tell you it was THREE DAYS MORE
Before that baby shot out right over the floor
But did labor stop? Oh no friends, it didn’t
My body worked hard (though it wasn’t efficient)

All Tuesday and Wednesday, right into the night
I roared out in discomfort, with belly all tight
Until it was time to push, at long last!
But alas, my fat ass had run out of gas

I got the babe crowning, just inches from born,
But after so long my poor muscles were worn
I could do no more, blasted uterus villain!
While in my vagina the babe sat there, chillin

I had no choice left but to try for some sleep
With this kid in my birth canal, wedged in there deep
For hours I crashed, waking only to eat
Until I could rise back onto my feet

Then at last! On that drizzly cold afternoon
The pushing resumed, not a moment too soon
Like a woman possessed with a demon I thrashed
To clear out the place where the baby was stashed

I screeched and I moaned and I shat on the floor
Getting friendly “great jobs!” in response to my roars
Then at last, my husband with strong steady fists
Caught our baby’s way out like a slippery fish

So at last, after 50 bleak hours of pain
My baby was born, sheltered safe from the rain
6 lbs, 7 oz, a new little boy
Brought into the world with hardship and joy

So in prayer I beseech a recovery right–
May milk titties grow large, and my bits heal up tight!

---

I hope you enjoyed my tale of woe and triumph.

And now:

A HOLLY JOLLY FISTMAS TO YOU

This Christmas song has been dearly loved all across the internet, which delights me deeply. I love knowing that people will be at wholesome Christmas parties and hear this song, and in their heads, will think about fisting.

So Merry Fistmas, and a happy Splooge Year.

…That’s all for now. I will write again next week with songs, stories, and updates on this big huge adventure. Maybe I’ll even have another kid by then! Who knows?

Paid subscribers below the fold are going to get to hear a brand new song that I love, but am not certain I will release to the general public. So if you want to see the secret stash, go ahead and upgrade that subscription!

See you down below!

---