DRUNK STRIPPER GHOSTS A GHOST

and poopy bloopers

This and more on this week’s edition of Harper The Fox News!

BUTT FIRST!

WOMAN DOES DRUGS BEFORE REALIZING SHE DOES TOO MANY DRUGS, THEN DOES MORE DRUGS

Sometime between being chased out of Mexico by the Cartel and sleeping on a horse-trainer’s rug in Colorado, I realized that something wasn’t going quite right in my life.

I was 23, living out of my van with my bearded boyfriend (hi, future husband Max), and doing every drug I could get my hands on every chance I got. Incidentally that’s how I ended up doing meth when I was trying to do LSD but that is a story for another day..

I was crying a lot. Max and I were fighting constantly, and I oscillated wildly between thinking I was god’s gift to everyone and literally the worst human alive.

Something about the air in Colorado started to bring clarity. I recorded rambling videos to no one, trying to talk through what needed to change. I needed new perspectives. I needed moderation.

These were the moments that inspired “Too Much,” a poem which appears in my book, Wandering Lust.

I kept doing drugs anyway.

But a seed was planted and that seed grew into a responsible and loving mother who avoids seed oils and doesn’t do any meth.

I might start doing drugs again in my 80’s. Like, hard. Remains to be seen.

BUTT FIRST!

ROOTING FOR ROOT VEGETABLE REAPS NO REWARD!

My recent parody of “Friday I’m in Love” has 62.3k views on Instagram and is inspired by real Idaho strippers I’ve known. Watch it here:

Let me tell you a tale of one of these potato pole princesses.

It was the night of the annual competition for the very best semi nude dancer in all of potato land (strippers in Idaho have to keep their clothes on…don’t come here). Fabulous prizes hung in the balance. Prizes like “a couple hundred bucks!” And the much coveted “chance to fuck the manager while high on complimentary cocaine” (this was an unofficial prize).

For anyone who knew the dancers at this club, it was obvious that our girl would win. Let’s call her “Rooset.”

Rooset was, without a doubt, the most amazing pole dancer I have ever seen. Her acrobatic skills were off the charts. She was beautiful and strong and unendingly creative. Cartwheels would lead to pole spins which would lead to her swinging from the strip club rafters like some sort of sexy monkey.

She had set up a pole and been practicing non stop. Putting in the hours even though she was miles ahead of the competition. A real inspirational whore.

When she won this year, she would set a record for most wins in a row.

She created an act based on the Phantom of the Opera. She recruited a huge man to join her on the stage as the phantom. She drilled with him over and over and made sure he was up to her standards for her big night.

On the big night she got shit face drunk and fell off the stage. The phantom swayed in place for a while and then carried her off somewhere.

After that we kind of lost touch.

There’s a lesson in there?

Well, you know who IS going to learn something?

EVERY SINGLE PAID SUBSCRIBER.

Free subscribers, you know I love ya. But the paid subscribers keep the lights on and my fingers typing away at this keyboard, so they get a little something extra.

People ask all the time in my social media comments how I keep a straight face while performing my silly songs.

The answer is… I don’t.

So how about a pooper blooper? Bye for now, free readers.