EYEBALL SMOOTHIES

and the assholes of the future

This and more in this week’s edition of HarperTheFox news.

BUTT FIRST!

THE GUINEA PIG OF SADNESS: A TALE FROM ROAD-LIFE PAST

Sometimes, you look at a child and realize “you’re DEFINITELY going to grow up to be an asshole.”

Not that it’s their fault— it’s just a fact of nature.

I’ve seen this firsthand many times, but I was thinking of one in particular today. My family and I are preparing to embark on a year of full-time life on the road, but this is not my first rodeo. (Road-eo. Har har.) Back in 2013-2015 Max (husband) and I lived out of two different vans and saw a massive chunk of America. As we roved from state to state we stayed with random fans who reached out and offered couches, driveways, trailer floors, and the occasional actual bed for our crashing needs.

These people were extremely kind, but it also gave us a window into a lot of people’s lives. The sort of people who would offer two random hippie-ish internet degenerates a warm place to stay. Lots of frozen food dinners, lots of cigarettes, lots of big gulps, lots of loneliness and heartache and Bacardi Limon.

One was a man, let’s call him Dan, who was very friendly and normal on the internet, but as we entered his home, it became very clear that he was deep in a life of crime. Drugs for sure, maybe more. Dan had a friend over who very cavalierly told Max and I a few minutes after meeting us about how he had killed a man. A kid-diddler, but still. Bringing up murder on a first meeting is a bold move.

Dan had a son. An achingly sweet little boy who loved his guinea pig named Honey. One night Dan insisted on taking us out for a nice Italian dinner, and we ate fried veal over noodles like it was a gift from God himself. Then we went back to his apartment and Dan casually played the most gory horror movie I’ve ever seen while his little boy played in the corner with that little guinea pig. I viscerally remember a scene of a woman being forced to drink blended up human eyeballs. This boy must have been five or six years old.

It was when this boy’s father began threatening the guinea pig’s life in retaliation for the boy’s minor misbehavior that it dawned on me— this beautiful little child doesn’t stand a chance. He is going to grow up to be some kind of asshole.

By now, that little kid is probably almost grown. I hope I’m wrong.

(I’m probably not.)

And now!

SONGS ROUNDUP

Since algorithms are dicks and don’t always show you the posts of the people you follow, here is this week of releases.

“Danny Boy” parody

“We’re Gonna Be Friends” parody

“Ring of Fire” parody

“You Are My Sunshine” parody

“Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” parody

“Margaritaville” parody

“Skip to my Lou” parody

That’s all for now if you’re a free subscriber.

BUT, if you are a paid subscriber, you get a bonus treat down below. I’ve been working on a parody of “Iris” by The Goo Goo Dolls and my rhymes are PRISTINE. For now, only paid subscribers get to see it.

See you down below!

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