PUBLIC PEEING

And Proud Fathers

This and more in this edition of Harper The Fox News!

BUTT FIRST!

TEEN POSES AS STRAWBERRY TO ACCESS ADULT FILM STAR

Recently I appeared with my husband Max on the “Tired Granolla Bar” Podcast. The show is hosted by a really genuine, albeit awkward, young man. As it turns out, he was not yet of legal age.

Apparently he thought this might make us refuse the interview so he disguised himself as a strawberry. He is fully visible as himself in all his other interviews so I already knew he was on the young side. I didn’t think it was a big deal. It’s not like I take my clothes off in these interviews!

He has no future as a spy but I really believe his podcast will one day be beloved by millions. The kid has something special.

The interview went great! He really loved the movie and even showed it to his dad. Adorable!

I just kept the nitty gritty of the adult biz to myself. I have promised to come back on his show again when he is all grown up!

Please go give this kid some love. He is really putting work into this show and I think he has a future in it.

Also be cool like this kid and his dad and watch Cops Vs Whores Vol 1!

BUTT FIRST!

PREGNANT WOMAN PUBLIC PISSING NUISANCE

First thing to know is I am now four months pregnant. Second thing to know is I like to go hiking around the Idaho foothills. Third thing to know this little fucker inside me has set up shop right on top of my bladder.

I am pissing every twenty minutes and have run out of fucks to give. If I can’t get to a toilet within a two minute walk I am just squatting and letting fly. I find a tree or a bush but otherwise I see it as the world’s job to avert their eyes. Max (husband) thinks it is outrageous.

Fuck him. And fuck you too if you agree with him.

I say this with all due respect.

AND NOW!

SHOCKING: INTERNET SLUT MAKES FATHER PROUD

When I was young, my dad helped me memorize poetry. It started with silly little Shel Silverstein poems, but eventually grew into things like “The Raven” in its entirety. I credit him completely with my exceptional ability to write metered verse.

My dad is a very wholesome buttoned-up guy. He hasn’t always loved my career choices (to say the least). He has a fun sense of humor though. He loves Weird Al and South Park (two of my favorites). And he never stopped supporting me.

My dad died last year. Stage 4 pancreatic cancer.

This was just before I started writing these parody songs. I think he would’ve really liked them.

He also would’ve pretended he didn’t like them in front of my mom.

I get a lot of Instagram comments from 60-year-old fat ladies damning me to hell for my songs. I imagine my dad being in the comment section, saying “Get a life Doris. Leave the poor girl alone. It’s FUNNY. Plus her clothes are on! For the love of God, give me the win you bitch!”

He wouldn’t call them a bitch though. He’d call them a goof, or a turkey, or some other silly thing.

Love you Pa, hope you are having a laugh!

Time to wrap it up for free subscribers.

The paywall treat gives subscribers a window into my very very serious writing process as I debate two different possible directions for a “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” parody. Paid subscribers may determine the future of my social channels! Very important stuff!

Thanks for reading! See you in a couple days.